Work Related Annoyances

Apparently my lack of motivation to stomp my feet through Billie's joke of an office door to tattle on someone for behaving badly has pushed me out of the "good list". This comes at a very poor time as Performance Assessments were recently turned in, which means my raise is in peril here. A raise I fully deserve. Fully deserve after taking half of her workload on myself. After filling in for 2+ months over her maternity leave, after fulfilling every performance requirement listed from last year. Tracking work flow, creating work flow, and improving it. Comming in consistantly, on time. Doubling the "goals" set forth for both the department and myself, prepping 1400 pages/hr rather than the goal stating 600 pages/hr. Smiling through the bullshit, defending myself amidst volunteer efforts to keep work in all areas we are responsible for, and pretending to like the company, job tasks, and person I work for.

I have worked harder, put forth more effort than I ever have. I've brought the job and drama home with me, I've aggrivated an already annoying anxiety disorder; hoping the whole year that it would pay off. I was SURE it would pay off. But now I see it won't. I haven't had my meeting with her yet, but I can tell you what she will say (most likely). "I gave you the descretionary fund raise, so i feel wrong giving you a raise this time. Given your inability to meet and maintain department goals I put you down as needing improvement this year." Ugh, a small raise would push me to the point of working my way out of debt. I don't have much considering; but it's enough to make me need this raise.

This wasn't supposed to last as long as it has. But now I'm stuck, health insurance for both Christopher and I is flowing through me and this dead end joke of a career. Until I can get the money to put myself through college I'm stuck in this job. I should go get a new social security card. Maybe I can find a new path to walk on for a while that way.

I find myself perpetually tired and frantic at the same time. Time moves too slowly minute to minute, I fall asleep ignoring my life until those rare moments of clarity when I can look back and see how far I've come...I see myself standing in place as time whips by me at dangerous speeds.

I need a change of pace.